Examining My Expectations

I had an interesting conversation with a friend last night. I told about her some frustration I had been experiencing with disappointment in my life. Lately, it seemed that everywhere I turned I was met with disappointment, right at the points where I thought I had been working up to something good. I was feeling it more so in relationships than in other areas of my life at the moment. I felt like a perpetual new kid everywhere I sought to settle in - not the cool new kid that everyone is immediately enamored with, but the awkward wallflower making every effort to grow into something more. It's a terrible feeling really, and I feel pretty embarrassed about the fact that I have that feeling or that it bothers me so much, but I am only human.

My friend has a habit of encouraging me to look inward when I share these kinds of things with her. It is not a bad practice, and I like to think that I tend to do it on my own, but it is good to examine myself from a perspective other than my own. So we thought about why it is that I was experiencing my disappointment. She determined that my standards were exceptionally high and that likewise, my expectations might be too high. This was not the first time I had heard such a thought, and to be honest, the very idea has always bothered me. My expectations were too high? What kind of hippie-dippie baloney was that?

 
 

But what if there was really something to it? What if the reason that I always felt so let down was that my expectations were in fact too high?

I thought about the different areas of my life where my expectations might have left me wanting. There was work for starters. I failed to meet my own expectations in that the job I have is not the one that I want, which was a subset of a larger disappointment - my eternally unfinished business with school. Work also came with the disappointment of my employees - I could not think of one day where my entire staff had met all of my expectations. It left me incredibly stressed.

Next, I considered relationships. I thought about the few longtime friendships that I had somewhat managed to sustain, and how I might be failing them by my own standard and admission. How is that I can never find time to write to the one friend sweet enough to write to me? Could I not have managed to make it out to the one event my out-of-town friend had invited me to in his neck of the woods? On the other hand, how often were they checking up on me, or coming down to visit me? I want us all to do better, but I figure that should start with me.

Then there are the relationships that were new to me. I was making all kinds of efforts to invest in those - showing up whenever I could, and opening my door time and time again. After countless declined invitations, part of me really wants to throw in the towel. Heck - part of me wonders if I should because that seems like the most self-respecting thing to do. The other part of me longs for the kind of community that I feel like only I can initiate, which might mean trying over and over again. Truth be told, it is exhausting.

Of course there were the really personal areas of my life from the inside out - my sense of purpose and fulfillment, my spiritual growth, my body image and health - we're not diving into that, but you can imagine (and if you can't let's talk, because I want to know your secrets).

I gave thought to my expectations in all of these areas and I knew that they were in fact very high. I thought about the origin of my expectations and naturally, my first thought was childhood. I was raised with high standards, and I know that they played a role in making me who I am. Some people looked at my upbringing growing up, and they thought that my parents gave me impossible standards. There are things that I might change about my childhood or do differently in parenting my own children, but I would not do away with those standards.

That being said, there is an important distinction between standards and expectations. For the life of me I couldn't quite figure out the nuance on my own so I searched google and youtube to see what  other smart people thought about it, and found a unifying theme to be that standards are internal, grounded in reality, and based on input, whereas expectations are external, not always grounded in reality, and based on outcome.

So then, in the case of relationships, for example, my standards as a good friend require me to prioritize time with my friends with some level of frequency, to consider their needs without prompting, and to seek out opportunities to share experiences with them. These are the criteria I impose for myself, they are entirely doable in reality, even when they might be challenging, and they are based on what I put into our relationship. I have control over whether I do these things or how well I do them. Unfortunately, if I have the slightest inclination to impose the reciprocation of these criteria, I have moved from standards to expectations, and the (proven) likelihood is that I will be let down. 

Do I lower my standards or my expectations? Neither? Both?

I will keep my standards - they are designed to bring out the best in me. That being said, there is a sort of balancing act that is required. The trick is to be sure that the standard is accompanied by grace. Grace looks like loving myself when I fail to meet the standard.

As for my expectations, I wonder what it would look like for me to let go of them. If I no longer hold any expectation for the people or things that I let into my life, how can I be sure that those things are best for me? There are a few facets to the answer to that question.

To begin with, I need to do a better job of discerning and filtering the people and things that I let into my life, by seeking out those with standards that match my own. The trouble with that is that it can be hard to determine that right away. By the time you've invested enough in a relationship or an endeavor to know whether or not your standards match, isn't it a bit too late to back out? The cure for that dilemma might also be grace - grace to continue loving them when they fail to measure up to your standard.

I need to find it in me to apply this kind of grace outside of personal relationships into work relationships and less frequent interactions. I have to figure out what that looks like because sometimes imposing a standard is part of my job or other interactions.

Another facet to consider is that maybe your relationship is not about you. Maybe you were placed in someone's life to be able to build into them, and not to receive anything from them at all. It seems like kind of an unfortunate thought. Who has time to just pour into others? The answer: Jesus. *Mic Drop.*

Again, we must consider discernment. I need to understand the standards of the people and things that I invest in and be sure that I balance their place and their measure in my life. It is wonderful to pour into other people who may not share my standards, but I will also need to surround myself with people who share my standards and will pour into me.

I need to step back and examine myself always - Am I upholding my own standards? This, of course, expands beyond relationships into scarily personal territory. Am I upholding my standards for my mind, body, and soul? If I'm being honest, the answer to that is not always the resounding "yes" that I would like for it to be. How do I counter my expectations for myself? Ready to have your mind blown? The answer once again is grace. It comes with an understanding that there is only one being who will never let me down and that being is not even myself. It's God. I know (and, even so,  I constantly have to remind myself)  that even if He hasn't met my standard or my expectations, He has not failed me. My standards and my expectations are not perfect, but God's are, and only He can uphold those at all times.

When I started to think about this and write this post, I did not expect to end up here at this conclusion - my expectations are too high. The Bible tells us time and time again not to put our faith in men, or even ourselves. To have expectations is to do exactly that. I need to replace my expectations with a whole lot of grace and place all of my faith in God alone.

Tuesdays Ten: 10 Values I Vow to Instill in My Children Someday

It's 2016, I'm 24 years old, and I am nowhere near married, much less a mother to any children. Sometime ago when I was younger, and perhaps a bit naive, I was fairly certain that I would be raising my first child by now. No matter. Although I have no children of my own, I have worked with many children and I work with many more, constantly. I love working with children. I would not say that it is my sole or even my utmost passion in life, but it is important to me and even beloved by me. One of the reasons why I hold my work with children so dearly is that I appreciate the opportunity that I have to shape children into who they will become. Children are like fresh clay, pure and plain, awaiting hands to shape them. There is so much beauty in the process - perhaps the most mind-blowing facet of that process is that so many hands will mold that clay. So many hands. So many tools. It is incredible to me that I get to watch and be involved in that process. In some cases it is unnerving and in other cases it is inspiring. In every case it is a reminder to me that that someday, God-willing, I will be uniquely responsible for bearing the primary influence over who my children will become. What kind of people will I bring up into this world?

Sometime ago I took some time to consider what are the first and foremost character traits and values that I would like to be sure that I instill in my children. I accidentally published the incomplete draft, and my mom (my number one supporter of this blog, alongside my sister) read it. I removed the draft, but we talked about it some, and she has been encouraging me to complete it since then. Recently, I have come to the point where I feel truly compelled to do so.

I work with children, and this past year has been a particularly trying one in my work life. I've dealt with some difficult children who behave in ways that are inconceivable to me, having been raised the way that I was. As challenging as they are, I do not love them any less than any other children that I work with. I cannot hold a child alone responsible for their behavior. I study their parents - how do they receive information about their child's behavior, how do they interact with their child, etc. Sometimes I find parents that are determined to walk alongside me in the interest of helping their child to be their best selves. Other times I find that parents will choose to stand against me in favor of dismissing, or worse, supporting behaviors in their child that have (unrealized) adverse effects on the child and those around them. I must say that in all honesty, I need an extra dose of patience from God to deal with such parents, because I seem to have reached my limit.

Of course "good behavior" and "bad behavior" are not the sole indicator of who a child will become. Behavior is in fact not so difficult to cure. It is habits that are more difficult to cure, and character that is most difficult to change.

My father has been teaching for 6 or 7 years now. I remember preparing one of his first classrooms years ago. One of the posters we hung had a most striking quote on it:

image via QuoteAddicts

“Watch your thoughts, they become words;
watch your words, they become actions;
watch your actions, they become habits;
watch your habits, they become character;
watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

When I consider that chain of factors, I feel the weight of my responsibility for the children that I work with, and more importantly for the children that I will call my own.

I know that I have said a lot and we still haven't reached that list of values yet, but bear with me - I'm getting there.

The other reason why I find myself contemplating all of this so heavily of late is because, just a few nights ago I kept my tired eyes open to witness the moment when the course for our nation was set for the next 4 years. Every election year is a fork in the road on our country's journey through history. This year we reached a particularly dark fork in the road. Whichever path we took held some level of misfortune, but there was a path that was quite notably filled with dangers, toils, and snares - a path so narrow that it could not accommodate a whole nation of diverse individuals, and so some would be left behind, or worse. I cannot wrap my mind around how it is that our nation came to choose this path. To face this time as an adult is frightening; to face it as a child is even more so. Educators everywhere are now called to calm those fears.

Children are not politicians, and yet they express something like political views - echoes of their parents and the other voices that they hear. I have read of young children chanting "build a wall" and or expressing to other students that they must "go back to [their] country, because Trump said so". I have listened to my own students speaking of such things. One little girl asked me if I liked Mexican food and told me that soon I would no longer be able to have it. Children are repeating hateful things they hear and/or interpreting those things for themselves. Many children are, as one friend of mine said, "being used as extensions of hate." Many more are sad and afraid for themselves or for friends. They can feel the uncertainty and the tension of this place we are in, and it will undoubtedly have some bearing on who they are becoming.

When I consider that, I feel a deepened conviction to raise children and eventual adults with character strong enough to withstand, and more than that, to be a light in such a time as this. I feel a deepened  conviction to help them become champions for the afflicted - men and women who will stand for and fight for what is right. I feel a deepened conviction to bring up into the world leaders who will offer our country far better options when we come to that fork in the road during election season in their time. This is not a post about politics. It is a post about people.

If you have gotten this far in my post, then you have finally reached my list of values. I feel like I should congratulate you for that.

image via imgur

Here are 10 values that I vow to instill in my children someday:

  1. RESPECT & MANNERS
    From a fairly young age I think I recognized the way that people respond to respect and manners. I have never met anyone who objected to being on the receiving end of these. In fact, I have found that people are so much more willing to work with you when you extend these. My parents taught me that these were necessary first and foremost, because every person has value. If I value you simply because you are, then I must respect you. And if I value me, then manners are a must. In my observation, children without manners, and especially those who fail to show respect, simply have not been taught to value others. My children will see in my interactions and know from my teaching that every person is to be valued, and therefore respected, even those we disagree with.

  2. A STRONG WORK ETHIC
    I hope to be able to give my children everything that they could ever want. However, I do not want them to grow up with an improper sense of entitlement. I want them to know that in a country like ours, they are entitled to every good thing detailed in the preamble of our constitution. More importantly, I want them to know that as sons and daughters of our God, they are entitled to every wonderful thing that God promises. While living in the empowering awareness of these entitlements, I want them to understand that every other good desire they could have, tangible or intangible, is something that they ought to work for. I want them to be hard workers, who give 100% in every undertaking. I want for them not to resent the work they will do one day - from household chores to first jobs, and eventual careers or family obligations. I want them to appreciate the worth of the work - to understand that the result of the work is inherently more valuable, because of the work. I will model that work ethic for them, and with all the love in the world, require it from them.

  3. CONFIDENCE & HUMILITY
    One might look at those two words side by side, and puzzle at how they could possibly work together. I believe that confidence and humility actually go hand in hand. In fact, I might even go as far as to say that true confidence yields humility. When you are truly confident you do not have the need to hold yourself above others and you can be comfortable with your awareness of your imperfections. Both confidence and humility go back to value. These should be especially present in Christians. If I value myself, especially if I do so as God does, then I realize my value is inherent and not diminished by anything I can or cannot do. If I value others, then I realize that they share the very same inherent value that I have and so I have no place above them. I will make my children's value to me known to them constantly. I will remind them of their value to God, as well as the value of others.

  4. GRATITUDE & GENEROSITY
    I want my children to understand that even those things that we may be entitled to are things that we ought to be thankful for. They will not be ignorant or unaware of the grave reality that not everyone has those things that we have (however trivial they may seem). Therefore, we should be thankful for everything we have and we should do what we can to share our good fortune with those who are less fortunate. I want them to know that God loves a grateful heart and that He asks us to look out for those in need, just as Jesus did in His time on earth. Our family will actively practice gratitude and generosity - thanking God and those He puts in our path for those things we have, bearing grateful spirits, and purposefully giving of our time and resources.

  5. CULTURAL SENSITIVITY & APPRECIATION
    I am the daughter of an immigrant (aren't we all somewhere along the line?) and my children will learn that early on. I don't know where my husband or his family will come from, but I know that we will share great pride in our cultural backgrounds with our children. We will teach them that no race or culture is more valuable or appealing than another, and that every culture is to be celebrated and appreciated. We will not teach a colorblind mantra. Rather we will teach them to recognize that every colorful difference makes the world a more beautiful place. I will teach them that since we value others, we will strive to learn more about them and try those things that are a part of their culture.

  6. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE & KINDNESS
    One of the most endearing things about children, above their innocence even, is their inclination to offer unconditional love and kindness. When a child is very young, they do not know to be selfish yet, but it does not take them terribly long to learn. Before long, they barter friendship for favors, and decide that love is reserved for people who act in accordance with their will. Overtime, maturity in relationships helps us to develop some balance and we learn about the "two-way street", but even that entails a conditional state. I hope to be a model to my children of what unconditional love is. They should see me offering that love and to them, their father, and everyone else they see me interact with. I will teach them that this is the kind of love God offers us and asks us to extend to everyone around us.

  7. INTEGRITY & SINCERITY
    One of the easiest habits children pick up and scarcely fail to notice in adults is a habit of dishonesty. Sometimes it is outright. Most times I think it is more subtle - little white lies, omissions, downplaying of facts. I want my children to understand that dishonesty is unacceptable, and even more so, I want them to understand why. In those teachable moments where they witness or give in to dishonesty, I will examine with them the cause and effects of dishonesty. I will teach them that we are people of integrity. I will tell them, as my father told me, that integrity means that you are the same (or an even better) person behind closed doors or in the privacy of your own home, as you are before others. I want them to know that integrity goes hand in hand with sincerity, and that sincerity comes from a place of having the right motives for doing the things that you do and being the person you are.

  8. CONVICTION & BRAVERY
    In many songs and stories I have heard the phrase "if you stand for nothing you will fall for anything". I think there really is something to that. I want my children to stand for something, and for that something, to be the right thing. Therefore, I will teach them what is right. With knowledge of this (and with God in their heart), they will develop their own conviction. Conviction is the the thing that causes one to stand for something - a firm set of beliefs that compel you to act. Bravery is the thing that pushes you to continue to act on your convictions in the face of opposition and adversity. In addition to teaching them what is right, I will show them what it looks like to stand for something and to be brave.

  9. OPTIMISM & REALISM
    I want my children to be able to find a bright side in every situation, and especially in their darkest hours. Optimism is born of hope, and while hope cannot be taught, only given, I can surely let them know that Christ is the source of our hope and show them what optimism looks like. By the same token, I will make my children aware of the simple and difficult realities in life. I will not feed into innocent lies like the existence of Santa or the Tooth Fairy. I will (with discernment) make them aware of the things going on in our society and in the world. I do not want them to grow up believing that the model for optimism is ignorant bliss. Realism is a protection for them against reality, because when the time comes for them to encounter difficult realities, they will not be taken quite so much by surprise or so easily shaken or broken by it. In fact with optimism and realism in their arsenal, they will find they can tackle tough times.

  10. UNSHAKABLE FAITH
    I want my children to rest assured that no matter how uncertain times seem, God is in control. If and when they should fall on hard times in their relationships, their studies, their jobs/careers, their finances, or anything else, I want them to stand firm in their values and be unmoved in their faith. My family has been through many things and we have seen God's grace carry us through over and over again. I cannot give my children faith, but I can build for them memorials as the Lord instructed Joshua to do in Joshua 4. They will know the stories of God's grace from my childhood, and from their father's. We will take time to recognize each story of grace in their own lives.

I realize that I am not  a parent yet and that raising an upstanding child is easier said than done. Nonetheless, I believe that parenting with intention is a step in the right direction, and I know that I have been brought up in such a way that I will certainly do that. I am the product of parents who raised me with the aforementioned character traits and values, so I know that it can be done. I have seen the result of that parenting.

Parenting may not be easy, but good parenting is so very important and worthwhile. I am not perfect. I am still developing and/or aspiring to the above-mentioned character traits and values. My parents were not perfect. As many children do, I have kept a little mental list of things I think that I will do differently with my children. Nonetheless, I turned out to be someone that I am proud of, and I have my parents to thank for that. One day when that responsibility is mine, I hope that I will rise up to meet that challenge with the grace and humility of a Proverbs 31 woman. Until that time (and even past it), I will continue to take care in the role that I play in the lives of other people's children.

I should note that I also realize that good parenting does not guranetee results. I know that ultimately a child has a strong will of their own, and as they grow, so does that will. I have seen surprising individuals come from very good parents. Still, the chances for a child to become what we inadequately describe as a "good person" are so much greater when they come from a home where there was solid parenting with intention. In those cases, the most hopeless-seeming individuals have something to fall back on even when they go astray

If you are already a parent, I want to encourage you in your own journey through raising tomorrow's peacemakers, innovators, and world changers.

This post has been  edited, updated, and reposted - if it seems familiar, that is why. I hope you found any additions to be enlightening. Thanks for checking it out (again).

(Not) About Charlotte

I wish I could say that I cannot believe the state of affairs in Charlotte, North Carolina tonight. I wish I could say that I am not surprised at the fact that just  a couple of months ago I found myself sitting before my laptop preparing to weigh my words and release them into the cyber void where I hope that they might reach even one person and makes some difference. I wish I could say that after tonight, the worst is over, but I cannot say any of these things. The state of affairs in Charlotte tonight was likely to have occurred somewhere in our country amidst all of the tragedy and injustice surrounding ongoing police brutality and questionable decisions that several police officers made regarding black lives. I am weighing in, because silence is not an option in the face of the rightful unrest that compels people to protest. Tonight's protest will not be the last, because our nation's justice system has yet to yield a plan of action that will affect legitimate change in those areas of law that have systematically failed to protect and serve the lives of black (and other minority) Americans.

There really is not much that I can say tonight, much less anything I can say that I have not already said. I do want to say this however. What happened tonight was not (just) about Charlotte. Tonight was about a hurting mass of people in our country who are suffering heartbreak and fear as they watch men, women, and even children being mistreated and killed by those whom they are required to submit to and should have been able to trust. Tonight was about the preposterous notion, or rather, the preposterous reality that in this day and age where the advancement of technology and social media have enabled us to reach a quicker and more accurate conclusion of events as they happen, lawmakers can deny citizens the right to have real access to such video evidence. Tonight was about the fact that those people being affected by these issues have no where and real way to voice their concerns.

When you think about Charlotte tonight, and for the next few short days that it remains "newsworthy", please remember that today's event started out as a peaceful demonstration, and for every participant that chose to make it something else, there were several more who remained peaceful. Please realize that regardless of the moment when the protest got out of hand, and every moment after that, the protest is not the real problem. Our nation is a body and Injustice is a gruesome disease. While injustice is a disease with unpleasant symptoms, crippling effects, and the possibility of being fatal, it is neither terminal, nor incurable. Lawmakers and government officials are the scientists and the doctors who ought to be researching, investing in, and working to find the cure. Those of us who are dying or losing loved ones this disease should not be asked to refrain from showing our support for every person affected by it. Our show of support, our march for a cure - these are not as easily demonstrated as they might be for some other diseases. A black shirt or a black ribbon is not enough. Who is working on the cure for this disease? Who is raising or awareness or allocating funds to help us? We are so hard pressed to find them, and with so little success that it is easy to believe that they don't exist. Imagine how it feels to be led to believe that no one is interested in curing the disease that threatens to take the lives of those you hold dear. It is that near hopelessness and utterly frustrating feeling that drives people to the streets in protest.

Just as you would take part in a walk to cure cancer or an ice bucket challenge to cure ALS, whether it affected your life or not, should you not stand beside those of us who facing the challenges of and losing our loved ones to injustice each day? I do not make this comparison to diminish the gravity of diseases like cancer and ALS, but to help you understand the gravity of the injustice problem. I am not asking you to go out to the streets and protest tonight. Maybe I should be. What I am asking you to do, is to show some understanding at the very least, and not to look down on, or make monsters of those who are doing what little they can to bring about change.

Of course I do not condone any act of violence or needless disrespect during protest (or at any time). I wish that those who would resort to such behavior would reconsider it, since it is counterproductive and hurts others.

I watched tonight's live coverage of the event rather anxiously, fearing that I might see a protester, a police officer, a camera man, or a reporter get shot or otherwise harmed. Having been so anxious behind the screen of my television, I don't know if I can imagine how scary it would be for me stand out in the streets and be a part of it. I have wondered whether it is in fact my duty as a black American and also a Christian to go out and stand beside the men and women who would risk so much to deliver a message that so needs to be heard. I have not figured out whether I ought to or not, but I do know that I ought not to be silent in the midst of all that is transpiring.

This is not the first time in history that people have watched injustice playing out before them and been faced with a decision of whether or not to act. I looked at the words of wise men who had been afflicted by such times and had done their part to make a difference in those times. I was particularly struck by Elie Wiesel's words in his Nobel Acceptance in 1986:

[I] swore never to be silent whenever, wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must - at that moment - become the center of the universe.
— Elie Wiesel

He went on to speak about how he as a Jew, was particularly sympathetic to issues that affected Jewish people, but recognized and sympathized with every people affected by injustice and suffering. I want to echo his sentiments as a black woman in a time like ours. I am of course particularly struck by the injustice facing black Americans in our nation, but today on a day that I woke up inspired by and prepared to celebrate in some small way an International Day of Peace, I am reminded of the need for prayer for every individual afflicted by suffering and injustice - not just here at home, where I can feel the effects, but around the world, where men, women, and children are dying unnecessary deaths and suffering from conditions that more fortunate people have the power to improve.  Though I leave today just a little more discouraged than when the day began. I pray that God grants me the wisdom and the opportunity to enter every tomorrow more determined and able to do my part to change these things.