Throwback Thursday: The First Chapter in Texas

This may be the last time that I was the tallest of the crew. This was taken in the backyard of our first Texas home. I remember my dad was visiting Texas for the second time, while we were living in Oklahoma, and he called to tell us he had rented a home there. That's is the way my family's life has moved - with surprising twists and turns, sometimes at the speed of light. Who could have imagined we would stay in Texas for so long?

Woman Crush Wednesday: Regina Specktor

Where do I even begin with the whimsical magical being that is Regina Spektor? I heard my first Regina Spektor song (Fidelity) in my sophomore year of high school, and nothing was ever the same after that. Her deeply feeling piano pop and anti-folk - or whatever you want to call it - was so uplifting and soothing. There was a Regina Spektor song for every feeling that you could possibly have, and that was before the albums that followed came out. I loved her music instantly - for it's soaring imaginative quality and the interesting stories that her lyrics told. My interest in her music led me to learn more about her and what I learned only made me love her more. Here was an immigrant who shared my history and my heart for New York and diversity. I love her for her pride in her heritage, for her desire to see a world in which we all embrace one another, and for her honesty about how she came to be who she is. I don't mean that she started from the bottom now she's here business. I mean the fact that she recognized what could have been perceived to be her shortcoming as simply an opportunity to see what it is that she was meant to do. She inspires me so much as a person and as an aspiring musician. Watching her live earlier this year was one of the best experiences of my life to date. Now all I need to do is actually get to meet her! Check out this Noisey interview below to learn more about her. 
Please be advised that there is a bit of language in the video.

Tuesday's Ten: 10 Thoughts about "Anne with an E", the Netflix Show

For the love of Anne and for the sake of curiosity I sat down to watch “Anne with an E”, a new show on Netflix that reimagines Lucy Maud Montgomery’s Anne of Green Gables. When I first heard that Anne of Green Gables would be coming to Netflix, I was beside myself with joy and ready to throw a party to marathon one of my favorite films of all time. The feeling did not last long, since upon further investigation I discovered that this would be a new Anne, and not the childhood gem that had so inspired me as a child. I wanted to be excited, but I could only feel disappointment. That was months ago, and now that time has passed and I have processed the new show’s desire to bring Anne to a new generation, I was able to give the show a chance. Here are my initial thoughts after watching the first season. Let me warn you in advance that I have been pretty critical. Also, anytime I refer to “the original” story/character/etc, I am referring to the 1985 movie from Sullivan Entertainment (If you haven’t seen it, drop everything you are doing and go watch it now - check your local library, because the set cost upwards of $80).

*SPOILERS AHEAD!! - I’ve done my best not to be too specific about certain changes in the story.*
 

1. I need to reread the books.
   My first impression of the beloved title character in Montgomery’s classic series came from watching the long-running films on PBS. Although it had been my habit to read a book before watching its screen adaptation, I ended up seeing the films first, because I had no knowledge of the books. My, how I fell in love with the redheaded orphan. She was probably the first, and perhaps the only ficitional character I ever encountered that I so desperately would have liked to meet in real life. More than that, I wanted to be like her. In some ways, I think I already was. In fact, I felt certain that if Anne and I were to meet in real life she would agree that we were kindred spirits. It was not until years after watching Megan Follows portray the character that I came to know about the books, which I read and truly enjoyed, but did not commit to memory in the way that I had with the film. This being the case, as I watched the Netflix rendition, I noticed several discrepancies from the film and I was not sure whether those were liberties taken by the new writers and producers, or previously abandoned parts of the actual book.
   

2. This new cast is simply less endearing.
   I have no desire to disparage them in any way, and I would, in fact, say that over time, they grow on you, but next to the original cast, this new set of folks doesn't stack up. Let's begin with our lovable heroine, Anne. While Amybeth McNulty embodies the look of Anne and does good enough job of bringing her quirks to life, she is just not as sweet. If you are familiar with the character, then you will know that a number of her personality traits could be quite irritating on the wrong person. She “talks entirely too much”, she's overly dramatic, and she may even have a touch of folly, but somehow how none of it bothers me when Anne is portrayed by Megan Follows. Shortly after meeting McNulty's version, I did, in fact, find that I wanted a break from Anne’s talking. As for all of her little quirks, they seem to be less natural for McNulty. Watching her made me feel as though she was pretending to be Anne, whereas when I watch Megan Follows there is no question in my mind that she is in fact, Anne. It seems to me that she must have been quite like the character, to begin with. Similarly, other characters portrayals seemed a little unnatural. Colleen Dewhurst portrayed Marilla’s hardness with understated wit and a certain honesty that I have yet to see from the new Marilla. Matthew's quiet way, which Richard Farnsworth played with such authentic meekness does not seem to be coming across in the new Matthew. Diana seems less docile and sweet than the original Diana. In fact, the original Diana seemed to share Anne’s fondness for daydreaming and imagination, whereas this Diana seems to only observe Anne’s daydreaming ways. I could go down the whole line of characters, but I will stop at Gilbert Blythe and Ruby Gillis. While the new Gilbert is appropriately attractive, he lacks a certain sweetness and boyishness that Jonathan Crombie brought to the character. Although Gilbert was well-liked by the other characters in the original movie, he did not seem to be completely aware of that fact. This new Gilbert seems well aware and at times a little bit conceited. Gilbert’s storyline seems to have changed a bit as well, which would have some bearing on his personality. They have given him a heavy burden to bear which would harden a young boy and take away his boyish demeanor. At the very least I can say that Ruby Gillis seems to be a good match - small and mousy with a voice to match. At this point, we have only had the opportunity to watch the primary characters unfold a bit. I look forward to seeing the secondary characters develop more in the series.
   

3. Who are these new characters?
   We have a new boy helping Matthew tend the land, an old love interest for Matthew, a woman who helps Gilbert take care of his father, more Andrews than I remember, and a shared dead brother between Matthew and Marilla. Perhaps these are all from the books . . . ?
   

4. The new backstories are a bit far-reaching.
   It would seem that this new version of the story has expanded the use of backstory to include new memories from Matthew and Marilla’s pasts and to embellish Anne’s story in a rather interesting way (more on that in a bit). Again, I find myself in a place of uncertainty as I do not entirely recall the books. However, all of this new backstory feels excessive. Did Marilla actually say no to Mr. Blythe’s proposal because of family obligation? In the movie her relationship with him ended because of an argument they had, followed by Marilla’s unwillingness to forgive him. Why does Matthew suddenly have a love interest? In the movie, he seemed quite content without one, although, I suppose in reality most everyone wants someone to love and be loved by. And how is the plot helped by Anne having been exposed to inappropriate knowledge? I wonder what these changes hope to accomplish.
   

5. An element of darkness has been added.
   From the additional backstories to Anne’s frequent flashbacks, the story has taken on an element of needless darkness. We see not just an unhappy girl in Anne’s memories, but a frightened, bullied, and an abused little girl. What’s more, where the original Anne seemed determined to move past those memories and look so longingly forward to the possibilities of her future, this new portrayal of Anne insists on revisiting her past, and the character seems to lack the strength of optimism that Megan Follows’ Anne had. Yes, it would be hard to move past all of the things that she has been through, and yes, she is somewhat optimistic, but she doesn’t share the original Anne’s ability to keep moving forward. Other characters have also had their stories darkened. Matthew tries to commit suicide - what the heck?!! Perhaps these changes are intended to make the story more realistic, but I think that removing that certain light from the story and it's characters and replacing it with all this darkness is truly a loss from the original story and the positive impact that the characters have on viewers.
   

6. An element of innocence has been taken away.
   While the original story could very well be described as pure, this new story has added subject matter that removes innocence from the story and from Anne herself. Giving Anne mature knowledge of intimacy and marital issues from her former home seems unfair to the character and unnecessary for the story. Anne’s innocence in youth and her ability to enjoy adult life without dwelling on certain subjects helped to make her the role model that she was to me. This is a story that has been accessible to children everywhere and suddenly needs a warning label. I had some level of warning, as a friend of mine on facebook posted: “Just a word of caution for any Anne of Green Gables fans... If you watch the new Netflix series with a 9yr old, you will be forced to discuss much more sex education than one would anticipate.” In addition to Anne’s knowledge of adult matters, the writer’s also decided to let her get her first visit from Aunt Flo on the show, going as far as to show her cleaning her sheets. What on earth?!! Is this some attempt at being feminist by normalizing menstruation? No. Just no. There is a time and a place for children to learn about that - the kids' channel on Netflix is certainly not it.
   

7. The social commentary on feminism is overstated.
   One of the reasons that Anne of Green Gables was so widely hailed by women was because the heroine was a strong feminist in a time where feminism was not a popular idea. While feminism was a bold idea, the story brought it forward oh so subtly. Characters in the story rarely made their points on the matter by stating them outright, and certainly not by referencing the idea by name. This new story places Marilla in a feminist mom’s group. What is that? And furthermore, does original Marilla strike you as the type of woman who would feel the need to attend a mom’s group? I mean how many times has she told Matthew that she will make all decisions about raising Anne on her own? The pastor tells Anne that she should stay home and train to be a wife? Subtle guys, really subtle. Why don’t we just give Anne a t-shirt that reads “this is what feminist looks like” and call it a day?
   

8. The timeline has shifted in a few places.
   This new writer has been quite liberal with her shifts in the story’s timeline. I suppose that is to be expected since this is a reimagining of the story. Still, I find that a number of the decisions she made were a bit disappointing for fans of the original story. After spending a little too much time in Anne’s past, she proceeds to speed up other parts of the story. For example, during Anne’s trial at Green Gables, she is invited to a picnic at the church. Sometime before the picnic there is an incident with Marilla's brooch. This all seems to take place very quickly compared to how it takes place in the original story. What's more, it's results are different than in the film. When Anne refuses to confess to taking the brooch, she is sent back to the orphanage the next morning. This completely changes the story. In fact, this change was so grave that I decided to look into it, and found that the writer made this decision because she wanted the mistake with the brooch to have more real consequences. It is an interesting choice, but one I would not make. Now there is a whole affair of finding the brooch and then going to get Anne back. I won't say more about it, in case you haven't seen it. In any case, the new writer also decided that once Anne attends the picnic she'll have a less than pleasant experience, which causes her to run away from the picnic so that she can be followed by Marilla, who will comfort her after finally apologizing for the error with the brooch. In my opinion, the real Marilla would never have waited so long to make her apology. Additionally, because Anne didn't get to enjoy the picnic in this version, we don't get to see her bonding with Diana Berry or meeting Gilbert Blythe for the first time. In fact, she meets Gilbert later on when she begins attending school. This new meeting shifts the starting dynamic between the two of them. We see Gilbert stepping in to protect Anne, whereas in the original story we see Anne beat Gilbert at a race. Those are two very different ways for us to see the characters together for the first time - boy saves girl vs. girl beats boy. Which of those two do you think would have done better for a feminist message?
   

9. This new version has reshaped iconic scenes.
   I waited to see if and how my favorite iconic scenes would play out in in the new version. While I was relieved to find that a number of those scenes were still included (some were missing, but may appear in a later season), I was not entirely satisfied with how they were executed. I have already mentioned that the brooch scene was a wreck. Even watching Anne tell the lie disappointed me. She did it so quickly and without the same dramatic flare as the original Anne. Let’s be real for a second here - fans of the original wanted to see how the slate scene would go down. The actions leading up to it (by Gilbert and the other boys) were not as numerous or as bothersome as they were in the original, which made Anne’s reaction seem more like an overreaction in the new version. Rather than the completely smashing of her slate over his head, new Anne uses her slate to slap Gilbert across the face. No broken slate - just a bit cracked. Honestly, it feels a bit cliche to have a girl slap a guy across the face when he's upset her, even if she uses a slate to do it. After the incident, Anne isn't even made to write sentences on the board as she does in the film. This change is important for a couple of reasons. First of all, we don't get to see how stubborn Anne is and how unfazed she is by the teacher’s punishment. There is something about watching Anne correct the teacher’s spelling of her name and then resolve to write the sentence 100 times without flinching. Secondly, the actions that are taken afterward once again change the story. Anne runs from the classroom and decides she is not returning to school. Then Marilla allows her to stay home for several days. The Anne I know would not run from a problem. She faces every challenge head-on with great pride and determination. And the Marilla I know would never let Anne stay home from school, certainly not over something like that. I am really lost as to what these changes are supposed to accomplish because it feels like we are making strong characters a little bit weak.
   

10. The music and the scenery are still beautiful.
    On a more positive note, the music and the scenery are beautiful. I look at the shots of Green Gables in this new version and still imagine that I would love to live there among all of the bright green land, crisp blue skies, and white lacy flowers. The music feels bright and discovering, as the story is, and the song during the open credits has fitting lyrics as well. The original soundtrack will always warm my heart when I hear it, but I can accept the modern sound of this new version.

All in all, the new show still carries forward a positive message and brings Anne to a fresh audience, and I can appreciate that. It cannot replace the original, but that was never the intention, I’m sure. I have been a harsh judge, but I can still support the endeavor of the show. I would love to know what other fans of the original think about the show. Is there anything that you liked or preferred about it? Please do comment and let me know!

Fun Friday: A Loose Tooth, A Little Ninja, and a Better (Un)Plan

Here's a healthy dose of cuteness to jumpstart your Friday.

via 5SHOK

Throwback Thursday: When Cyril was just a pupppy

I never had the desire to have a pet, but I conceded to having a dog because my roommates (who also happened to be my siblings) both wanted one very much. It has been 6 months since we brought home that 6-month-old puppy. Now he is two to three times the size that he was then and a whopping one-year-old. I can't believe how he has grown on me (figuratively besides literally). My how time flies.

Woman Crush Wednesday: Simone Biles

I don't have to tell you who this is - Olympic gold medalist Simone Biles is already a hero to girls everywhere, particularly little gymnasts and young black girls. For these reasons and more, she already has my respect. This season on DWTS she has absolutely been slaying on the dance floor, wowing me once more with her incredible talent, and last night, she made me love her even more. Despite a flawless run of incredible dance performances throughout the season, the judges have given her endless grief about what they deem to be insufficient emotion. Last night the host went so far as to ask her why she wasn't smiling. Her response shut down the host and lit up the internet. She's my wcw today for the hard work she puts into everything that we get to see her accomplish and for confidence that little girls should see and aspire to.

Tuesday's Ten: 10 Teachers I Can Remember From Before High School

Do you ever look back on your grade-school days and think of the teacher's who left the greatest impression? Here are 10 such teachers I had:

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First grade me (the oldest photo of me that I have digitally stored at the moment)

1. Ms. Watts, 1st Grade, NY: She was one of my first teachers, so that alone is pretty memorable, but more than anything I remember reading a lot in her class, and I am sure that helped to foster my own love of reading. I also got to write my first book in her class (I think it was about me and my dad), which was a pretty big deal.
    
2. Ms. Chin, 2nd Grade, NY: She was an incredible teacher who taught us not just the basic second-grade knowledge, but how to embrace different cultures, starting with her own Chinese culture. We learned about our classmate's cultures, enjoyed lots of different food, had wonderful field trips, including my favorite one to China Town, and really enjoyed everyone's company. No classroom ever felt more like a community, and we just knew she loved us all.
    
3. Mr. Bloom, Gym Teacher, NY: He was perhaps one of the most fun adults I knew at that time. We didn't have many male teachers, so for that reason, I'm sure he stood out. Additionally, he was very tall (at least as far as I could see being as small as I was at that age). He would most aptly be nicknamed the BFG of P.S. 205.
    
4. Mrs. Simpson, 3rd Grade, OK: For starters, she was not my teacher. My brother and sister had her and her work with them left an impression on me. My brother was kind of a unique student at that time - he lacked focus. Until Mrs, Simpson, I'm not sure any teacher past kindergarten had ever exercised so much faith in him. She pushed him and encouraged him in a way that produced authentic results. She was genuine and kind and had no prejudice, which was refreshing in a southern school where we were often one of few, if not the only African American students in our classrooms.
    
5. Mr. Z, Art Teacher, OK: I am not sure if I recall his actual last name, but I think it was Zeffarus. Anyhow, he was a wonderful artist and he really encouraged each of his students to grow in their skill (however little they may have started with - I had none) and to see the beauty of art, including their own. I believe he was a fellow New Yorker, which was nice to find in the middle of Oklahoma, given that I had just moved from there. New York friendly is like no other - it seems the most genuine to me.
    
6. Mr. Auwen, Music Teacher, OK: Again, I am unsure of his name, well how to spell it anyway. I remember he would tell us to remember the pronunciation by thinking "Ow, when are are you going to get off of m foot. Honestly, I do not recall a lot of fond memories of him, but I do recall my experience being in his class (interesting), and more so, being in his choir. I remember having to audition to get in, which made it that much more special to be a part of. Having worked with kids and choir as an adult, I look back on what he did with The Darnaby Rangers and Co. (such a legit name for an elementary school choir) and I have so much respect for the results he produced in us and in our performances.
    
7. Mrs. Miranda, 5th, OK: What kind of teacher had a last name that sounded like a chic first name? She was interesting to me before I met her and even more so after. She shared with us about her German culture, which I loved. She appreciated and helped to foster my love for vocabulary, which was important to me. Additionally, she made science come alive even off of the pages of a dull old textbook. We did so many wonderful things with science that year that I credit to her, even if all of the other teachers were doing it - she made me feel like a real scientist. Frankly, she made me feel like an adult, respecting my thoughts and the things that I had to say. She was so very kind too.
    
8. Ms. Cole, 5th, OK: She was my social studies teacher, and like Mrs. Miranda, she stood out for being kinda chic and lots of fun. She brought history to present day with countless creative activities for us. She rewarded hard work, which was basically what I did best.
    
9. Mrs. Rommelman, 8th Grade, GA: She taught history in a Christian School. She was kind of a firecracker in a school where much of the administration seemed zombie-like in their manner of conformity. She conversed with us about history more than she lectured us, and I found that my interest in the subject matter grew as a result. Beyond teaching us history she supported us in our academics, our dreams, and our personal lives. She was one of those teachers who really cared about her students.
    
10. Mr. Emerich, 8th grade, GA: He taught science in a Christian school - that's always interesting. I can remember the Bob Jones University textbook. The subject was incredibly dull and there was little to be done in the way of experiments as far as I can remember. Still, Mr. Emerich's humor (not without a whole lot of sarcasm) made the class survivable and who he was as a person made him all the more memorable. He was sincere, kind of like a strict grandpa, and the latter was true - in fact, his granddaughter was in my class. They were Christians and it showed. Even to this day, it would seem his granddaughter is poised to be an exemplary Pastor's wife, and where that sort of legacy comes from is evident.

Adulting is hard - here's some advice

Life is hard you guys - really and truly hard sometimes. I don't know that anyone can adequately prepare another person for the reality of "adulting", which is that you can do (just about) all of the right things, and still find yourself in a less-than-favorable situation. When I look back on the decisions I've made, calculate the steps that I have taken, factoring in great efforts and painful missteps, and then I look at where I am now, it seems to me that the whole equation just doesn't add up. I put in hours on the clock, at school, and at work, and at home. I don't know that I have been the best at anything, but I have surely worked hard. In many areas of my life up to this point, I would even say that I have done my best. That is not to say that I did not have room for improvement, or that there are not things that I wish I had done differently - it is simply to say that my margin of error was relatively low and even reasonable.

I say all that to say, that while you must act responsibly and be accountable for the steps you have taken up to the point where you are, you need to remember to cut yourself some slack. There are some things (heck - most things) which are very much out of our control, and it helps to remember that. Let every time that you look back on the things you could have done differently be an opportunity to learn from your mistakes, not an invitation to dwell on results of those mistakes. The most brilliant successes are preceded by trial and error. You may be living with the consequences of an error in this moment, but now it is time to move forward. Give yourself a break, so that you can. When you don’t allow yourself to forgive your mistakes and to stop filling your mind with thoughts about them, you are not only unable to move forward, but you may also putting your mental health at risk. Seriously - GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK!

On more than one occasion you may find yourself burdened by an overwhelming sense of what I can assure you is going to feel like hopeless failure. I would like to tell you that just because you have not succeeded yet does not mean that you have failed, but the fact of the matter is that some of the goals we set out to achieve have time limits. When we have not met those goals in time, we have in fact failed. So here is the truth: there are times you really will have failed at the things that you tried to accomplish, whether that is in your personal life, your academic career, your work life, or some other aspect of your life. This does not mean that you have failed as an adult, much less as a person. Furthermore, those goals that are constrained by our man-made limits will never be the most worthwhile; all things that we accomplish in God’s time will be our most meaningful achievements. God’s time is infinite and unknowable, and so if we have not yet accomplished those dreams or unknown things that are rooted in His time, we have not failed, we are simply waiting to succeed.

Last but not least, as you navigate through the barrage of everyday challenges that adult life has to offer, from the grind of day to day obligations to the pursuit of your individual goals, do not forget to surround yourself with positivity and have fun. I came across the phrase “choose happy” and I found that it really resonated with me in a time where happiness is easy to overlook. Happiness is fleeting and so I know to pursue more than that, but it is more than okay to want it and to have it. Surround yourself with people who help you get to the place of achieving your goals and who will help you to keep your head up. Play music that is uplifting. Read stories with happy endings. Take time to do little things for yourself - a day at the spa or a night at the movies. If you are waiting until after you have accomplished all of your goals to be happy or to have fun, you may be waiting for a long time. Furthermore, we don’t know how much time we have before us, so let’s be sure that in making the most of everyday, we find a little something that makes us happy.

Fun Friday: Adam Scott makes us believe in our childhood dreams

In case you missed it last night, Kristen Bell hosted Jimmy Kimmel Live and in her fairytale fashion was granting all sorts of wishes. Bell stood by and watched as her friend and fellow Star Wars fan, Adam Scott had a childhood wish fulfilled. 

Throwback Thursday: That night I met Basia Bulat

I met Basia Bulat at her Dallas debut and witnessed the amazingness that is her performing live. Her show was everything I had imagined and more. I think most of the audience was there just checking her out since she was playing near them, and maybe about 20-30% of us actually knew who she was. By the end of the night it was clear that everyone loved her.

Woman Crush Wednesday: Priscilla Samey

I am always in awe of high school students who manage to get into not just several universities, but several ivy league universities as well. Priscilla Samey got accepted into Yale, Princeton, Harvard, Columbia, Brown, Penn, and Cornell. What a way to close out senior year! Of course, another quintessential part of ending senior year is attending prom (or so I have been told). When gentlemen did not line up in the same fashion as those colleges, she decided to bring her Harvard acceptance letter with her to prom. What a boss? Also, can we appreciate that gorgeous culture-honoring dress that surely stood out in the midst of a catalogue-dress-dancefloor? Moments like these make me glad for an internet culture that shares and remembers. I hope little girls everywhere heard about her, especially little black girls.

Tuesday's Ten: 10 places to grab gift cards for teacher appreciation week

Although I am not a teacher in the traditional sense, I am in fact a teacher - to many students as a matter of fact, and by this point in the year we are just a little exhausted. Also, the kids are bordering on crazy. Btw, shout out to all of my teacher friends, and some extra love to teachers in childcare and after school programs. We love our kids,  but that does not make or jobs easy, so it really is nice when people take the time to show a little love during teacher appreciation week. I am a pretty sentimental person so I love handwritten cards and flowers and such. I am also a red-blooded 20-something female, so I love getting gift cards too. Here's are a few places where gift cards can do me the most good:

1. Bath & Body Works - hands down, my favorite place to shop. Fragrances for days - products that I will quite literally use on a daily basis.
2. Starbucks - I never meant to fall in love with those caramel frappuccinos. Now, I just need them in my life.
3. Amazon - the most practical gift. Also, it helps me pay for my textbooks (#StillInSchool)
4. Alamo Drafthouse - my favorite place to go see movies (even though they don't let me talk)
5. Fandango - for all the movies that they don't show at Alamo Drafthouse. You guys, I love movies so much.
6. Target - There's a good chance I'll spend it in that addictive dollar section - so many cute things!
7. Darden - or really any good restaurant. It is no secret that I enjoy good food.
8. Yumilicous - I love a cold and sweet treat. The vibe in there makes me smile too.
9. Half Price Books - between teaching and going to school, this place is a great go-to.
10. Barnes & Noble - for all the things that I won't find at Half Price Books.

There is a good chance that you don't know me, so this may not seem terribly relevant for you, but if you are reading this post, then you surely know a teacher (probably several). Be sure to show them some love, even if you only say thanks.

image via giphy

Fun Friday: Sweet Tiny Beats

Have you heard about the "Bite-size Beats"?  M&Ms gives us musical fun in their marketing with this entertaining DIY DJ activity. Go try it now!

The Day God Gave You Back, An Open Letter to My Mom

Dear Mom,

As you very well know, it has been six years since a most important April 6th, that is the day that God returned you to us. What a day that was. I often wonder how much of it you remember, and how differently you may remember it compared to the way that I do. Did you know that I was one of the first people to learn of your heart attack? I heard it from a stranger who mispronounced my name and called me from your phone to tell that they were taking you away in an ambulance. They called me because I was the most recent name in your call log. Did you know that our family was within earshot of that alarming "code blue!" ringing through the hall as doctors ran to your room to resuscitate you? Did you know every passing moment felt more unreal then the next?

I have often thought of that day and the uncertain days that followed as the day I almost lost you, but as life has gone on for us, I have come to recognize it as the day that I got to keep you.

After the doctors revived you, I was grateful and hopeful, but still unsure of whether or not you would truly come through everything. Now I imagine that since the moment the doctors revived you, God had already granted our wish for you to remain with us for a while longer, even though it took a few days for the doctors to help that happen and for us to see your recovery come to be.

Did you know that I had a Statics final the day after your heart attack? I tried to focus on my Stats textbook in the waiting room since there was little else I could do, and I prefer nearly anything over worrying. The teacher granted me an extension, but for whatever reason, I decided to decline that offer and just take the exam. I did not do well. To this day, I am not sure how much of that had to do with what was going on and how much of it had to do with my general mathematical talent, which as you know is pretty much nonexistent. 

School aside, it was a difficult time. I worried about you a great deal. I also worried about the rest of our family. I used to think that I had realized all the ways you were involved in our lives, but my eyes were truly opened to our dependence upon you in your absence. There was this looming question that kept repeating itself throughout our days: who's going to do that? Who would take us to school? Who would make dinner? Who would manage Isaiah? Who would make any decisions while you were lying sick in a hospital bed and dad was staying there beside you for hours at a time, while we were resting at home or returning to school? Sometimes I felt like I was failing as your eldest child to step up and try to fill in for you in some way. You know that I am not the child who poseses all of your maternal propensity or your nurturing spirit.

These are not the most pleasant things to remember, but they are part of a greater more wonderful story. In my hour of need, I reached out in a way that I never had before. I emailed friends and classmates, and former teachers to ask for prayer, and the response was overwhelming. I wonder if I ever really told you how much people expressed their admiration and their care for you. People found other practical ways to help too, bringing meals and visiting with us or with you. Our church showed us an incredible outpouring of love as well. It just so happened that your heart attack took place on a Wednesday and the Pastor received word of it during (or perhaps before) Bible Study. The whole church prayed for you. Several church members helped our family in any way that they could. We even got to know our neighbors at that time. They came to check on us, as they had seen the ambulance pull away. They helped to get us to and from school and were just incredibly sweet to our family. Since then they have continued to be such wonderful neighbors. This was all the good that we saw come of this difficult time.

Better still, we got to see you come through your heart attack, and then your surgery, and then your recovery. God is good. And you mother, you are so strong. You continue to carry our family in a number of ways, and although those look different than they did six years ago, I want you to know that I see them, and I appreciate you, and I hope that I do not take you for granted, not even by accident. I am so grateful that you are still here with us. The older I grow, the more I admire you and wish all kinds of good things for you. I will probably never say it enough, but I love you mom. I love you so much.

Six seems like one of those incredibly ordinary numbers that never marks any kind of milestone, but I am learning more and more how much every day is such an amazing gift and by that line of thought, every year is worth celebrating. We should do something tremendous today (besides living). Also, we should take a picture together, because the last one we have is from my high school graduation seven years ago. In fact this year, we should do many tremendous things and take lots of pictures. I know that we are busy and tired, but days like this are a reminder that we have to find a way to make joyous memories today, while we still have time.

Happy Anniversary to you and your heart.

Love,

Moriah

Standing Up and Standing Down

I am almost afraid to write about this, lest anyone think any less of me. I have confessed to a number of shortcomings on my blog. Perhaps I feel like I can because I know that as of right now, I do not have many readers.

So, here goes.

Recently, I have been taking less nonsense than I have ever rejected in my entire life. I am standing up for myself boldly and confidently. That might seem insignificant if you do not know me, and surprising (or confusing) if you do know me. My parents raised me to stand up for myself and to stand up for others. They taught me how to articulate and be respectful while addressing anyone who might contend with me. They showed me by example how to consider every position and assert myself while remaining fair to whomever might not share my position. Contenders and opposition are not synonymous with wrongdoing, but in the case of wrongdoing, these are all skills that should serve me well, and in many cases they have (not just on the speech & debate team in high school). I have always been one to speak my mind (sometimes anonymously and other times, quite freely). Every now and then when people would try to intimidate me or otherwise expect me to cave in, they would find that I can be unmoving when I am right. And I am often right, or at least I often think that I am right.

However, my parents also raised me to defer to others, perhaps to a fault. They taught me how to put other’s needs before my own, in as much I can. They taught me how to constantly consider others around me, even strangers. They taught me to have enough humility to bite my tongue, even when I might be right. They taught me to be accountable enough to admit when I am wrong. They taught me to speak gently with my elders and with authority figures. And most importantly (and frustratingly), they taught me to turn the other cheek.

I have always found this is one of the most challenging things that God asks us to do. As a Christian, I have certainly turned the other cheek many times, and many times more as a young woman, and even more times as a black American. At some point it occurred to me that my cheeks were really quite sore, and that perhaps I was misinterpreting exactly what was meant by “turn the other cheek”. I decided then that God said to turn the other cheek, but not to stick my head in the sand - those were two different things. In fact, there were many times when leaders in the Bible did in fact bravely stand up not only for Jesus, but even for themselves. There are also situations in the Bible where God instructs us to “get mad” (maybe not in those words). My view on this may be a bit skewed or misguided, because I have allowed people to walk all over me for so long. I feel as though I have stood up for others more firmly than I have for myself. And while I would not be so misguided as to think that I could boast of righteous anger, much less justify every moment when I simply refused to turn the other cheek (because there are times I know in my heart that God would have wanted me to let things go), I do know that God values me and he desires for me to value myself as well. So while I must work on figuring out and living out whatever is meant by “turn the other cheek”, I do believe that I am allowed to stand up for myself in every way. I’ll need soooo much of His grace to know when I am not choosing my battles wisely, and even more of His grace to let them go. Likewise, I want to lean on His strength in me to stand up for myself, even when it is uncomfortable or difficult in some way.

I have been writing letters and having conversations in which I am asking for the things that I need and the things that I want, and to be quite frank, the things that I feel I have earned. I have been saying “no” more and more, despite people’s shock and the things that they might say. I have been calling people out when they have been so devious as to do wrong and then act as though they are unaware or even innocent of their wrongdoings. I am on a roll, and there is some part of me that says, if all this is wrong, then I don’t ever want to be right. I do not believe that it is, but I will have to ask God to show me where the line is between turning the other cheek and living in the light of His love, which allows me to see that I am valuable enough to stand for, just as I was valuable enough to die for even before I was born.